It’s not about you!

The other day I received an email from a coworker referencing an article in the Deseret News regarding the rate of cremation in Utah compared to the rest of the nation. Whenever I read such an article, I am always interested in the story behind the story. I took the time to read the many readers’ comments, and I could see the lack of understanding people have about the funeral process.  The funeral process begins well before a death occurs and continues well after a death occurs.  It isn’t simply putting a loved one in a pine box in the back yard or just scattering a loved one’s cremated remains.  As a funeral professional, it is important to advise a family before the funeral, to counsel and guide, and it is equally important after the funeral to continue to counsel and guide.  Death forces families to readjust to a new life, to live with dramatic changes, and to work through powerful emotional turmoil.  So, what I do as a funeral professional is not for the dead, but rather it is for the living.

Yes, funerals are for the living.  While we come together as families and friends to celebrate the life of a deceased loved one, the true goal of a caring funeral professional is to help the living transition from a life-with-a-loved-one to a life-without-a-loved-one.  And number crunching and sterile facts from a research article cannot accurately express the emotional release a proper funeral can give to a family.  Why?  Because a funeral is a timeworn ritual not to be tossed to the side because it’s an inconvenience or a financial burden.  It is a needed passage for the living to say good-bye, celebrate the life of the deceased, and move forward and adjust to a new life.  It is this process that a professional funeral advisor can provide to families.  We care about the comfort of the family and are willing to work with the family to fill any special requests because it is important for the family to have an official place and time to grieve and allow others to do so.  This is what people need to do in order to move on.

My family recently had to say good bye to our mother. It may sound crazy, but we held two services for her. Yes, two services. Why you might ask? There were those whom could not attend the first that we felt needed a chance to say good-bye. As a family we wanted a more informal way to celebrate her life and say thanks to all her family and friends who meant so much to our family.  Both services provided a means for family and friends to come together to celebrate her life, mourn for the loss of a special person,  and to support our family.  While some might think that a pine-box burial in the backyard is the right fit for them, a more important question should be considered: is this the best way for that person’s family and friends to grieve, celebrate, and move forward.  I guess it is food for thought.

I am Brandon W. Burningham CFSP, CPC and I thought you might like to know.

Technology and Comfort

Having experienced the death of a loved one, families will find themselves in a funeral home sitting around a table making funeral arrangements.  This process can take a couple of hours depending on the number of people in attendance and how prepared the family is. It’s a very daunting task for families who are suffering through the emotional turmoil of death.  Then when all things are arranged, a total is shared with the family that sometimes sends shocks throughout the arrangement room.

Having helped a number of families over the years, I have tried to do my best to make this experience as comfortable as possible. Recently our company made a change in the way we help families make arrangements. With the help of our new partnership with Aurora Casket Company, we have combined technology with innovative arrangement/family room design to make things more comfortable and more efficient for the families that we serve. When a family comes to one of our funeral homes to make arrangements, they are seated in one of our family rooms.   Each room was designed with the family in mind: soft couches with pillows and comfortable chairs facing the room’s focal point—a 52” monitor.  What’s missing is the large intimidating desk which separates the funeral director from the family.  We are here to help you and share with you our knowledge and expertise and passing papers back and forth across a desk isn’t fostering a caring relationship.  Our funeral director sits with the family as they view the arrangement process on the monitor.  Caskets can be selected by viewing a virtual showroom and can then be viewed in the actual showroom if the family chooses.  Something that is much appreciated is during entire process is the running summary the family is able to view at anytime to see what has been selected and what the cost is. This allows a family to keep within their budget more easily.

Recently I helped a family make arrangements for their mother using our new arrangement process.  At the conclusion of the arrangement, they overwhelmingly expressed how much more comfortable it was and how they felt they were on the same page as I was throughout the entire process. Instead of always doing things how they have always been done, we at Memorial are changing how we do things for the betterment of the families that we serve. When you come to Memorial, we are committed to providing the best possible experience in the planning and celebration of the life of your loved one.

I am Brandon W. Burningham CFSP, CPC and I thought you might like to know.

An Eternal Tribute for my Mother

It has been a while since I have posted something on this blog. Life has been crazy! My family and I are saddened to have had to say goodbye to my mother of 65 years who was taken early by Ovarian Cancer. Experiencing death from a personal level versus the professional level was a much different experience, and I learned a great amount of how a family feels when they lose a loved one.

 I remember going online the day after mom passed away to view her obituary in the local newspaper. The reality of seeing her there with the small description of her life, which her husband put into the paper, actually was very disturbing to me. Why you might ask? Well, this obituary just did not truly depict who my mother was, and it was limited in what it could do in the telling of her story.

 With this dilemma at hand I am grateful for Memorial Mortuaries and Cemeteries’ new relationship with Tributes.com. Tributes.com provides obituaries for our new Web site, but they do much more than that. Through Tributes.com, I was able to create an online eternal tribute of my mother. I was able to place an unlimited number of photos on the site, add music to the background, and uploading videos. I was able to put an obituary together that truly told her life and the guest book provided a means for family and friends to leave condolences and to share memories. Having this as an option for my family and I was a comforting solution to the cold, costly and temporary newspaper obituary. Frankly, I felt Mom deserved more.  I was able to share her tribute on Facebook and email it to several family members and friends. We even held a life-celebration after the service, and the tribute provided the means to help get the information out to family and friends. What does something like this cost? It was a fraction of what was paid to put it into the newspaper. Memorial offers this wonderful long-lasting tribute for only $175. Compared to the $400 to $500 dollars that is spent to place the short-term obituary in the newspaper, this is a great alternative.

 I have returned to her tribute many times since her passing and each time I come away comforted and renewed knowing that my life was touched by the hands of such a wonderful mother. You may visit her tribute at http://tributes.com/bettybrown. 

 I am Brandon W. Burningham CFSP, CPC and I thought you might like to know.

Talking About Death to my Daughter

It has been a few weeks since my last post.  As you know, life gets busy at times. In my last entry, I mentioned that my family and I have been experiencing the pain and heartache from watching my mom battle cancer.  This has lead to some interesting discussions with my family (brother and sister) and specifically with my children. I have children ages 11, 8, and 5. My 8-year old girl is especially struggling with her grandma’s illness and eventual death. This has caused me to pull out a book I read in mortuary school titled Talking About Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child by Rabbi Earl A. Grollman. As a funeral professional, I always get asked if people should involve children in a funeral. I respond with a resounding YES!

 My daughter is grieving just as much as I am and if her grieving is not handled properly, it could have a harmful effect on her. Rabbi Grollman shares in his book the following information:

  “Grief is an expression of love. Mourning is an appropriate emotion for people of all ages….Youngsters should not be deprived of the right to grieve. They should no more be excluded from sharing grief and sorrow than they should be prevented from demonstrating joy and happiness.” (page 49)

 “Children who are able to participate with their families after the death of someone they love will be better equipped to understand and manage the emotions of their grief.” (page 40)

 As a family, we have pulled out the old boxes of family photos and photo albums. My daughter has been there as we have talked about the memories behind each photo. I have asked her what photos she thinks we should put in a memorial slide show about grandma, and she has excitedly voiced her opinion. I have found comfort with her as I share my memories of mom, thus creating a therapeutic means of dealing with our emotions surrounding my mother’s pending death. Look for ways to involve children. It could be as simple as looking at photos or having them write a note to be placed in the casket of their loved one. No matter what we do we cannot avoid the fact that our children are grieving as well. Do not forget our little ones when it comes to death.

 I am Brandon W. Burningham, CFSP, CPC, and I thought you might like to know.

The Gift of Planning

My mom is dying.  I watch her slipping away; I comfort her frail mind; I grieve her final release from Earth.  The black demon of cancer is finishing its destruction of her body.  I feel many emotions: sadness, anger, relief.  And during this emotional whirlwind, I am grateful my mother had made decisions and plans to ease the stresses and burdens of the end-of-life experience(event).

When people think of planning, they usually think of purchasing a funeral plan and cemetery plots.  This is important.  But, I feel there is more planning that needs to be considered.

My mom has spent countless hours with family members going through things–her cedar chest, her photo albums, her closets.  She has chosen family mementos that will be passed down to her children and grandchildren.  In the comfort of her home, with loved ones, she has developed a program for her service: the speakers, the songs, the pallbearers.  She and her husband have met with attorneys and have their wills and trusts in place.  They have secured their cemetery plots, purchased and placed a grave marker, and have been paying for a funeral plan as well.  As her health began to decline, her husband purchased life insurance a few years ago to help pay for the final expenses.

When the time arrives for my mother to slip away from her sickened body, I know it will be an emotional time.  I love her, and while I’m still here, I will dearly miss her.  My family and I I will be grieving, but thanks to my mother, grieving is all we will have to do.  Because she cared about her family’s well-being, she made these important decisions ahead of time and has removed the stress and burden from her family.  I am so grateful for this last act of kindness, and it will be something I will do for my children.

Families who care, prepare.  Thanks for caring mom!

I am Brandon W. Burningham CFSP, CPC and I thought you would like to know.

Interview with Robin Heppel from FuneralGurus.com

I am so honored to have been interviewed by Robin Heppel, from FuneralGurus.com. here are some thoughts about how we are handling cremation at Memorial Mortuaries, Cemeteries and Cremation Services.

I am Brandon W. Burningham CFSP, CPC and I thought you might like to know.

Our Code of Ethics

I recently have been disgusted with the unethical behavior exhibited by funeral industry professionals, which have been reported in the news lately. It is a shame that members of the funeral industry completely disregard the sanctity of our profession and betray the trust a family places in a funeral professional. The death of a loved one is an incredibly difficult time, and a family needs to feel supported and cared for when they choose a funeral professional to take care of their loved one. Ethical treatment of the deceased is the highest priority for Memorial’s funeral homes and cemeteries. We adhere to the ethical standards of the National Funeral Directors Association and adhere to the standards of the Cremation Association of North America for our cremation services. We prominently display our commitment to the families that we serve in our locations and on our website. It is an honor and a sacred duty to help a family when they have lost a loved one. It is a spiritual and reverent experience to care for those who have died. We are committed to leading the way in funeral industry ethics, and show the communities, where we serve, that there are funeral homes that do take their duties and responsibilities seriously. Because of my association with many other funeral service providers around the state of Utah, I am confident they also strive to care for deceased people in the most ethical manner.

Cremation, a Second-Rate Service?

For the next few weeks, I am going to be discussing cremation as a valid alternative to traditional burial. I am doing this simply for the fact that cremation is often misunderstood by people and often a person’s understanding of cremation is heresy gleaned from sensational news broadcasts (or movies).

Unfortunately, it is the funeral homes, themselves, that are often responsible for the misinformation the public has about cremations because funeral homes take the approach that cremation is a second-rate service. Some funeral directors will make the erroneous assumption that people who choose cremation do so because they do not care about their loved one or they are strapped for cash. Often, it’s the latter assumption (families strapped for cash) that guides funeral homes advertisement of cut-rate/cutting-corners cremation.

Memorial Mortuaries Hosts “Reflections” a Mobile Museum on Funeral Customs

I am pleased to announce that “Reflections” a Mobile Museum on Funeral Customs is coming to Salt Lake City, Utah. The details are listed below in the following press release. This is a wonderful opportunity for all to be educated on what we do as funeral professionals. We also will be hosting the general public at our Lake Hills Memorial Mortuary for some light refreshments. I am Brandon W. Burningham CFSP, CPC and I thought you might like to know.

 

Educational Exhibit Explores Funeral Customs Throughout the Ages

Sandy, UT  – What do a President’s rider-less horse saddle, Rosa Park’s quiet act of defiance, and Abraham Lincoln’s casket have in common? They’re all part of an exhibit that is drawing crowds and comments with its unique collection of funeral objects and exploration of funeral customs in a touring mobile museum. From the cross-country funeral procession for Abraham Lincoln to the national outpouring of grief for Elvis Presley, America has a rich history of mourning the dead. Reflections: The American Funeral explores these traditions, beginning with Native American burial mounds and ending with the diverse rituals practiced across the country today. Produced by Michigan-based MRA, it’s earning high praise from visitors who sign the Guest Book: “Awesome!” “Great educational tool!” “Amazing! Brings out a lot of things we don’t think about.” “Very, very moving.” Lake Hills Memorial Mortuary, Cemetery & Crematory will host Reflections on Tuesday, April 7, from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. The funeral home is located at 10055 South State Street, Sandy, UT. The exhibit is open to the public, free and handicap-accessible. Spread out across 1,000 sq. ft., thoughtful display areas reveal how we mourn the dead. The Lincoln exhibit features a reproduction of Lincoln’s casket and traces the near 3-week funeral procession. “Arlington National Cemetery” honors our country’s veterans and the more than three million Americans buried in our national cemeteries. “Glory, Glory Hallelujah” showcases President John F. Kennedy’s rider-less horse – empty boots reversed in the saddle – trotting briskly in his funeral procession and Rosa Parks, who was the first woman to lie in state at the Capitol Rotunda. “The Lord is My Shepherd” is a poignant tribute to fallen public safety officers killed in the line of duty. “The Final Curtain” pays homage to celebrities, including Marilyn Monroe, Dale Earnhardt, and Elvis. “I’m pleased to be able to bring this mobile museum to our community so citizens can experience an educational and historical perspective of funeral practices throughout the ages,” says David Bartholomew, Funeral Director at Lake Hills Memorial. “There are fascinating stories for people of all ages to learn from.” Reflections: The American Funeral has been touring across the United States since summer 2008, stopping at state capitols, universities, veteran events, and mortuary schools, funeral homes and industry conventions. During January Inauguration celebrations, both Arlington National Cemetery in Washington, D.C., and Fort McHenry National Monument and Historic Shrine in Baltimore, MD, hosted it. February saw it parked at Lincoln Tomb at Oak Ridge Cemetery to commemorate the Lincoln Bicentennial. Reflections receives support from Legacy.com – the leader in the online memorial and obituary market in partnership with over 650 U.S., UK and Canadian newspapers; and Kates-Boylston Publications, the parent company of American Funeral Director magazine, a leading independent trade magazine for funeral directors and other funeral service professionals. Kates-Boylston Publications has been helping funeral professionals succeed and serve for over 130 years.

Honesty is the Best Policy When Addressing Death with Children

The following is from the National Funeral Directors Association. When I came across it, I felt it was good information to pass along. I am Brandon W. Burningham CFSP, CPC and I thought you might like to know.

Honesty is the Best Policy When Addressing Death with Children

The death of a loved one can be a painful experience for anyone, but for a child, it can be especially difficult. The death of a loved one can have a significant impact on a child, so it’s important that adults provide an environment that promotes healing. The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) offers suggestions on how to talk to children about death and strategies to help them cope with loss.

As difficult as it may be to inform a child about the death of a loved one, honesty is the best policy. Telling a white lie can be confusing and unsettling for a child once they learn the truth. Although it’s important to maintain discretion when explaining death, avoid using euphemisms, such as “Grandma is sleeping” or “Uncle John went on a long trip.” For younger children, be straightforward and explain death in simple phrases, such as “…the person’s body has stopped working and won’t work anymore.” For older children, more detailed information may be appropriate.

Many often wonder whether children should be allowed to attend funerals. Grief experts agree that it is healthy for children to attend the funerals of their loved ones. Prior to the funeral, parents should discuss with their child what will happen at the visitation, funeral or memorial service. Be honest and clear – children can take things very literally, so avoid being vague in your descriptions.

If a child feels comfortable, it may even be appropriate to involve him or her in the funeral. Let them read a poem or letter, or sing or play a song during the service. A funeral director can help parents discuss what will happen at the funeral and find ways for the child to participate in the service. Even though, years from now, the child may not remember the specifics of the funeral he or she attended, they will feel solace knowing they played an active role in celebrating the life of their loved one.

Children are known to have great resilience, but just like adults, the death of a loved one is something a child will likely not just “get over.” In addition to having a confidant who will provide continuous love and assurance, there are several other ways children can find comfort when coping with their grief. Victor M. Parachin, a grief educator and minister, provides these helpful tips:

1.    Be a role model for good grief: Children often imitate what they see. They will look to their parents or other significant adults for cues about grieving. It’s important for a child to realize that it’s okay to cry, to feel angry and to grieve.

2.    Find peer support: For many people who are grieving, identifying with peers going through a similar experience can be uplifting. For children and teens, this is no exception. The camaraderie and exchange of information can prove a powerful healing tool.

3.    Incorporate ritual: Whether it’s lighting a candle, participating in the scattering of cremated remains or taking part in an activity that was special to the deceased, utilizing ritual can help a child focus on the memory of their loved one.

4.    Use the arts: A child’s grief can be difficult to assess because they have neither the vocabulary nor life experience to easily express feelings and needs. The arts can be an outlet for children and teens to express their emotions. Writing, painting, poetry, clay, theater, music and crafts are all examples of art forms that can help children express what is happening to them.

Everyone grieves differently, but children are remarkably adaptive – they need to know they are loved and are surrounded by compassionate people who are there to guide them through the grief process. If you would like more information on talking to a child about death and ways to help them through their grief, contact your local NFDA-member funeral home. Visit www.nfda.org or call 800-228-6332 to find an NFDA funeral home near you.