Honesty is the Best Policy When Addressing Death with Children

The following is from the National Funeral Directors Association. When I came across it, I felt it was good information to pass along. I am Brandon W. Burningham CFSP, CPC and I thought you might like to know.

Honesty is the Best Policy When Addressing Death with Children

The death of a loved one can be a painful experience for anyone, but for a child, it can be especially difficult. The death of a loved one can have a significant impact on a child, so it’s important that adults provide an environment that promotes healing. The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) offers suggestions on how to talk to children about death and strategies to help them cope with loss.

As difficult as it may be to inform a child about the death of a loved one, honesty is the best policy. Telling a white lie can be confusing and unsettling for a child once they learn the truth. Although it’s important to maintain discretion when explaining death, avoid using euphemisms, such as “Grandma is sleeping” or “Uncle John went on a long trip.” For younger children, be straightforward and explain death in simple phrases, such as “…the person’s body has stopped working and won’t work anymore.” For older children, more detailed information may be appropriate.

Many often wonder whether children should be allowed to attend funerals. Grief experts agree that it is healthy for children to attend the funerals of their loved ones. Prior to the funeral, parents should discuss with their child what will happen at the visitation, funeral or memorial service. Be honest and clear – children can take things very literally, so avoid being vague in your descriptions.

If a child feels comfortable, it may even be appropriate to involve him or her in the funeral. Let them read a poem or letter, or sing or play a song during the service. A funeral director can help parents discuss what will happen at the funeral and find ways for the child to participate in the service. Even though, years from now, the child may not remember the specifics of the funeral he or she attended, they will feel solace knowing they played an active role in celebrating the life of their loved one.

Children are known to have great resilience, but just like adults, the death of a loved one is something a child will likely not just “get over.” In addition to having a confidant who will provide continuous love and assurance, there are several other ways children can find comfort when coping with their grief. Victor M. Parachin, a grief educator and minister, provides these helpful tips:

1.    Be a role model for good grief: Children often imitate what they see. They will look to their parents or other significant adults for cues about grieving. It’s important for a child to realize that it’s okay to cry, to feel angry and to grieve.

2.    Find peer support: For many people who are grieving, identifying with peers going through a similar experience can be uplifting. For children and teens, this is no exception. The camaraderie and exchange of information can prove a powerful healing tool.

3.    Incorporate ritual: Whether it’s lighting a candle, participating in the scattering of cremated remains or taking part in an activity that was special to the deceased, utilizing ritual can help a child focus on the memory of their loved one.

4.    Use the arts: A child’s grief can be difficult to assess because they have neither the vocabulary nor life experience to easily express feelings and needs. The arts can be an outlet for children and teens to express their emotions. Writing, painting, poetry, clay, theater, music and crafts are all examples of art forms that can help children express what is happening to them.

Everyone grieves differently, but children are remarkably adaptive – they need to know they are loved and are surrounded by compassionate people who are there to guide them through the grief process. If you would like more information on talking to a child about death and ways to help them through their grief, contact your local NFDA-member funeral home. Visit www.nfda.org or call 800-228-6332 to find an NFDA funeral home near you.